散記之三：世界地理雜誌／林亦軒
2010 May

我回到首都已經過了一個多星期。

期間我在等待新的寄住家庭，申辦宏國身分證的文件，更改機票，最重要是治療我的皮膚病。

醫生囑咐我不能再回到機構，我身上的跳蚤和皮膚病，是因為機構那邊傳染給我，不單只是環境問題，因為我沒抗體，所以跟小朋友接觸，就被傳染這一身的皮膚病。這一星期我每天晚餐後得服藥，在傷口塗藥，還要經過兩次非常麻煩得全身消毒，並且需要把所有衣物床單等等的物品用熱水滾燙消毒。但是，我向辦公室反應我並不想回首都或更換新單位，因為我在copan的計畫並未完成，老實說，也才剛開始。如此一來，當我下個月完成一年志工的工作後，我又得重新全身消毒兩次，住在我身體的細菌和小動物，又可能再度回來，意思是，皮膚病還會有復發的機會。

現在，我暫住國合會志工的公寓裡，我有自己的房間，有熱水每天洗澡，有食物吃，還有很多時間能夠看書。我向國合會志工借來一些中文書，其中一本，曾翻拍成電影，並拿下奧斯卡最佳外語片，書名:Q & A。電影名字則是，貧民百萬富翁。

小說裡，主角住在全亞洲最大的貧民窟中。生存在於法不容，城市的邊緣，就像動物般得住著，像昆蟲一般死去。

我看著這本書，很多時候腦海裡都會飄過我在宏國這段時間的畫面。主角被母親拋棄住在少年之家；我服務的孤兒院，每個小孩可憐的背景故事。在少年之家骯髒的環境和食物；孤兒院蒼蠅滿天飛的廚房和處理食物使用混濁的水。小說裡提及的小販，清潔工，失學小孩；我曾交往過的朋友在公園兜售的街頭藝術家，寄住家庭的女傭，我在機構的鄰居，曾被我在手臂畫過中文字的無數流浪在街頭的小孩。臭氣薰天，鋁板隔間沒水沒電的貧民窟；在COPAN生活五個月裡習慣混身怪味，被跳蚤咬醒，一樣沒水沒電。

我在宏都拉斯生活的這段日子裡，親身生活過有錢人用昂貴的建材打造豪宅，有警衛看管，女傭打掃。個人衛浴，氣派裝潢，高級轎車，花園，派對，名牌衣服，麥當勞，必勝客，外國朋友，無線網路，各國紀念品，甜點，銀製餐盤。

同時我也居住過貧民區，由鐵皮泥土搭建的亂七八糟的建築。房子裡街上有豬馬雞鴨亂竄，滿天蒼蠅。使用骯髒的水洗碗洗衣服，刷牙洗澡。孩子們穿著破爛，臉上掛著鼻涕眼屎，身上佈著不同的傷口。用手抓著像雜碎般怪味的食物往嘴裡送。從沒吃過花生醬，沒看過電腦的鄰居，不知道鎮上以外的城市，詢問我為何無法從台灣搭巴士來宏國的當地朋友。我曾像遊民不知道晚上能去哪裡，只能獨自在鎮上閒晃在公園裡發呆。沒有水洗澡刷牙，我只能換衣服取代洗澡，用買來的開水漱口取代刷牙。因為沒有廁所方便，我必須流連在鎮上餐廳算準時間使用免費廁所，或是為了上廁所而點一杯咖啡。腹瀉到全身沒力還帶著小朋友到空地踢球，昏睡在大太陽底下。

我現在坐在宏國ICYE經理私人轎車裡。車裡播著英文歌曲，我全身乾淨，繫著安全帶，吹著冷氣。幾分鐘前經理轉過幾條街，在不用下車的連鎖速食餐廳買了幾份套餐，討論我接下來阿根廷的行程。當經理在加油站等候的時候，我把頭向車外望，看見手上拿著盜版光碟的小販，推著食物在路邊兜售的女人，穿過來往車輛的街頭小孩。現在工作人員將經理的信用卡遞回，經理快速簽名，扭轉鑰匙發動車子，我們留下的一絲廢氣，把這些人拋向後面離開，就像一般風景。

我在這個國家，讓我真實看到貧與富的之間存在的巨大鴻溝。 在之前我根本沒有意識到這個世界是多麼的不平等。人類在健康、財富和機遇上的不平等大得可怕，它們使得無數的人們被迫生活在絕望之中。這個鴻溝，也因為我在宏都拉斯，看到到整個中美洲，拉丁美洲，金磚四國，或是世界地圖裡，沒有一個國家倖免這種災難。

書中有一段話。他們是一群沒有慾望的人，因為他們在出生之前，就註定好以後的人生路一切都能得到滿足。沒有慾望的生活真的直得追求嗎？慾望上的貧乏是否真的比真正的貧窮更好？

 

Notes: National Geographic magazine by Lin Yi-Hsuan
2010 May

It’s been more than a week since I got back to the capital.

During this period of time I was waiting for the new home stay, applying for identification proves in Honduras, re-arranging my flights and most importantly, taking care of my skin disease.

The doctor told me that I shouldn’t go back to the organization, the fleas and skin disease I have at the moment were passed on to me while I was there, it was not just because of environmental issues but also because I had no antibodies, I got the disease through having physical contacts with the children. This week I must take pills everyday after dinner, apply ointments to my skin and go through a thorough sterilization twice, I’ll also need to disinfect all the personal clothing, bedding and so on with boiling hot water. I told the head office that I don’t want to go back to the capital or be transferred to a new place because I haven’t managed to finish my project in Copan, and to be fair it has only just started. If I decided to continue to stay here then when I complete my one-year voluntary programme next year I’ll have to go through the sterilization again and those germs and fleas that are currently living in my body might come back again, in other words, there is a possibility that my skin disease may relapse in the future.

At the moment I am temporarily living in the volunteers’ apartment that ICDF (International Cooperation and Development Fund) provide, I have my own room, hot water to shower everyday, food and lots of time to read. I borrowed some Chinese books from other volunteers, one of them had been made into a film and won the best foreign film at Oscar. The title of the book is Q & A, and the title of the film is Poor Millionaires.

The character in the novel lives in the biggest ghetto in Asia, living like an animal at the edge of law and society and past away like insects.

While reading this book, I was reminded vividly the memories of my time spent in Honduras. The main character in the book was abandoned by his mother, he lives in a Teenage Home shelter run by social services; every kid in the orphanage where I worked has a similar misfortune. The dirty and unhygienic environment and food at the Teenage Home is just like the orphanage where we have lots of flies flying around in the kitchen and dirty water that we use to prepare food. The novel mentioned stall vendors, cleaners, out of school children; I have been friends with people who are street artists selling things in the park, maids who live with their in-house masters, my neighbor at the organization and those homeless children wandering around streets whose arms I have written Chinese characters on. The Ghetto was built with aluminum walls, it is stinky and out of electricity and water, just like the last five months that I lived in Copan, I got used to having strange smells on me all the time, always woken up by fleas all over my body, and also out of electricity and water.

During the period of time I lived in Honduras, I had experienced the life of the rich, living in a luxurious cottage built with expensive materials, guarded by the police and cleaned by maids. I have my personal bathroom, stylistic decorations, high-end car made, garden, parties, designer clothes, McDonalds, Pizza Hut, foreign friends, wireless internet, souvenirs from other countries, deserts, pastries and silver plates and cutleries.

Yet I had also lived in a ghetto built with random iron sheets and concretes, nearby on the streets there were pigs, horses, chicken and ducks running around and flies everywhere. We used dirty water to clean our dishes and clothes, brush our teeth and clean our bodies. All the children were wearing torn and ripped clothes, full of snots and rheum on their faces and full of scratches and scars on their bodies. Eating food that has odd and sewer-like smells. A neighbor who has never had peanut butter, never seen a computer, didn’t know the existence of any other city other than the town he lived in asked me why I couldn’t just take a bus from Taiwan to come to Honduras. I had lived like a homeless without knowing where to go in the evenings and had to wander around alone in the streets and daydream in a park. Didn’t have water to have shower or brush my teeth, I can only change my clothes instead of having showers, I would rinse my mouth with the purchased water to substitute for tooth-brushing. Because there are no toilets that I can use I must make sure that I loiter around the restaurants in town at the right time to use free toilet, or order a coffee so then I can use the toilet. I also had so many diarrheas that my whole body was lack of any strength and energy while still having to play ball games with the kids, and end up falling asleep under the blinding sun.

Right now I am sitting in a private car owned by the manager of ICYE in Honduras. It is playing English songs in the car; I am all clean and fresh with my seat belt fastened and enjoying the air conditioning. Few minutes ago the manager drove through a couple of streets and ordered some set meals at a drive-through fast food franchise, we were discussing my following itinerary in Argentina. When the manager was waiting at the petrol station, I looked out of the window and saw vendors selling pirated DVDs, women pushing their stalls and selling food on the streets, children going in between all the passing cars. The moment the staff returned the credit card to the manager, he quickly signed and turned on the car again, we left all those people far behind us as if they were ordinary sceneries.

The country where I am now allows me to see truthfully the enormous gap between the rich and the poor. Before then I have no idea how unjust this world is. The inequality one experiences on the aspects of health, wealth and opportunities is so great that is terrifying, it caused a huge amount of people to live in despair. But because I am in Honduras, I am able to see that not only here but also in Central America, South America, the BRIC countries (Brazil, Russia, India, China), or elsewhere on the world map, not one country can get away from this destiny, the enormous gap.

There is a paragraph in the book which says:  

“ They are people with no desires, because they are destined to always be satisfied in their lives even before they were borne.”

But does the life without desires really worth pursuing? Is the lack of desire really any better than the lack of wealth, the real poverty?