散記之二：凡夫告白／林亦軒
2010 Jan

前幾天在教小朋友數學時，我發了一頓脾氣，重重的把作業本摔到地上後，轉身離開。我走到一間雜貨店買了一瓶汽水，坐在路旁思考著。

為什麼要發脾氣？這麼努力對他們真的有幫助嗎？

我逐字逐字的解釋，女孩把頭撇過去，瞧都沒瞧我一眼。我換另一個位置，面對她，再逐字逐字重新講過一次，女孩把頭又轉向另 一邊。心裡面著急，其他小孩也不時的直叫我名字，亂畫書本，玩弄橡皮擦。大人們每次經過桌子也來湊熱鬧，翻翻書本，使喚著小孩。每一天下午就像場滑稽劇上演。

當我幫小朋友洗澡的時候，我曾經想過，幾年之後這些小孩會變成什麼樣子的人，生活會過得如何？

為了自己想出來看看不一樣的世界，我作為志工來到這裡，曾經，我曾以志工的身分，感覺到一點點的榮譽，連在宏國認識的所有外國朋友們，也都是以不同的方式來這裡做為志工，我很高興自己竟然是志工團隊中的其一成員，並且說我是志工，我來自台灣。

我曾覺得自己做的是一件很有意義的事，享受著不同的生活。但我明白其實我作為志工的初衷，是想實踐自己成為不同眼光的創作者，我不想在自己的城堡中玩著自己的遊戲，於是，我選擇作為志工來做自己認識外面世界的第一步。

我始終是個凡夫。我發現自己的初衷是為自己而做，不過是自我滿足罷了。我曾發著夢想可以做點什麼，來到這裡，在他們眼前，做什麼都不行的我，不是幫助改善水利設施的人，也不能替他們種植不同農耕改善糧食，不能替他們看診治病。遇到這種現實與每天狀況中的無奈，我變得不明白。看到這裡嚴重貧富差距的實況，富有的人整裝亮麗在mall裡逛街購物，牽著小孩寶貝著。貧窮的人家，吃不起餐廳裡的食物，全家人在路邊的樹下坐著發呆。於是我流著眼淚，為自己來的我，覺得愧疚，我是個凡人。

終於沉重的心情開始湧了上來，好像大雨過後，堵塞的水溝將道路淹沒，表面上看不出來，但洪水已經淹滿房屋樹木，一點一點吞噬一整座城市。頭上炙熱的太陽，將這座城市裡的每個人都逼進陰影中。我手中的汽水也開始滴著水，每一口吞喉嚨的水，沙沙的，回過頭，我走了回去女孩不見了，作業本則放在桌上。

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Notes: An ordinary man’s confession by Lin Yi-Hsuan
2010 Jan

I lost my temper few days ago while I was teaching the children, I threw the exercise book on the floor, turned to my back and left. I walked to a grocery store, bought myself a bottle of soft drink and sat by the road contemplating.

Why got so angry, why made such an effort, is this really helpful to the children?

I had explained word by word, the little girl turned away, didn’t even look at me. I changed my position so that I was facing her, I repeated myself again word by word, this time she turned to the other side. I felt anxious, other kids kept calling my name, they were doodling on their books and playing with their rubbers. Every time when some other adults walked past the table they came and flip through the books and talked to the kids. Every afternoon is like an absurd play on stage.

I once thought while showering the kids, what kind of people will they become years later, how will their lives be?

I volunteered to be here in order to experience something new and different, I once felt proud with esteem as a volunteer, all the other foreign friends that I met and became acquainted in Honduras also came here to volunteer for various reasons through different routes, I was happy to be part of the voluntary team, to say that I am a volunteer and I am from Taiwan.

I once thought what I am doing is significant and that I am living a distinctive life than other people. But I know very well the initial reason why I became a volunteer, I wanted to be an artist who has an extraordinary vision, I didn’t want to play my own games in my own castle, therefore I decided to be a volunteer, I saw it as my first step for getting to know the outside world.

However, I was just an ordinary person. I realized that I was only doing this for myself, it was only to satisfy my own ego. I once dreamt about doing something and now being here in front of them there is nothing I can do, I can’t help to improve all the water facilities, I can’t help to plant and grow crops to make their living any better, I can’t cure all the illness and diseases. When encountering these frustrations in reality and day-to-day situations I was often confused and puzzled. Seeing the serious gap between the rich and the poor I was often in tears, the rich dressed up glamorously shopping in the malls with their precious children while the poor sit under the trees daydreaming because they cannot afford food in the restaurant, and coming here for my own benefits I felt extremely ashamed, I was really just an ordinary person.

Gradually I was filled with heavy and overwhelming emotions, like how those blocked ditches flooded over the roads after heavy rains, it is not so obvious on the surface, even though water has already flooded over all the houses and trees, slowly taking over the whole city. The blinding sun above my head forced everyone into the shades. The water on the soft drink I had in my hand had also started dripping, every sip I took tasted sandy and earthy. I turned around and walked back, the little girl was gone and the exercise book was left on the table.